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May 29, 2005


Don Taylor


I thought your sermon was great. I particularly appreciated your exploring publicly what your "masks" are--this really encouraged the congregation to explore our own masks. Your powerpoint slides identifying some common "masks" might be helpful on this blog to encourage folks to keep considering their own mask(s).



i attended your sermon on sunday. yesterday the words you spoke hit home. I had a huge fight with my wife this week. My shame management showed up. I was afraid to be vunerable. To let her openly share her feelings (good and bad ) and for me to respond accordingly. Instead , I put on my cloak. I shut down. Much like my PC when it goes into sleep mode. I'm still alive, but its as if i'm dead. Its like talking to a ghost.

I know u shared ur how u manage shame. I manage mine by shutting down and not letting my wife or God see me for who I am, when I'm at my weakest.

It goes back to trust and faith. If I don't truely trust God or my wife, then would I want to let her or God see my shame ? Its funny you hear the Word over and over again..but you just don't get it. Until something happens that makes it all click.

It all makes sense to me now.

I pray for myself and all those who suffer this way of managing their shame. I pray that we will all learn to trust and have faith, "at all times", and just not when its convenient.

Tim Conder

Thanks for those very vulnerable words SK. Your vulnerability is a gift to others. Don, here's the short list (I'm sure there are many others) I generated about shame management:

Dealing with Shame: “Don’t look at my face, look at my…”
• Capability — I’ve got it all together, I am how I perform
• Incapability — I can’t do anything, I am how I fail
• Apathy — I just don’t care, it doesn’t matter who I am, “Whatever”
• Beauty, I am how I look, who I am on the outside
• Immorality — I am what I do
• Morality/Religiosity — I am what I do (Note: opposite form, same strategy)
• Accumulation — I am what I’ve got
• Adrenaline — I am what I experience
• Emotion — I am what I feel

Personal Questions:
• What is your default “identity strategy” in dealing with your shame?
• Is it really working?
• Will it work forever?


While I can see that this is a nearly 2-year old entry, I want to thank you for sharing this. I am dealing with some deep, personal, decades-old shame, mixed with pain & fear, that I am just beginning to scratch the surface of, and this could prove to be a good part of my working through it.

God bless you & again, thank you!


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